My Transfer Story

*This story is not meant to offend anyone from my former university and I apologize in advance if it feels that way. This is a completely true account of how I felt and why I left, not a post meant to completely bash anyone or any organization.

Every freshman in college has a sort of hope and excitement and vision for how they imagine their life in college will be. I was no different. I was nervous and upset to be moving over 1,000 miles away from the place I'd known my entire life, but I had a freshman naivety that my life would be just like those kids you've seen on every college brochure in existence. I would join clubs and I would do great things academically. I'd join a sorority and make new friends. I would fit in, which is all anyone really wants. Especially an interracial girl from the Midwest who never was sure where she belonged.
Still even in that first semester, when everything was new and exciting, something didn't feel right. The east coast was not as welcoming and diverse as I had imagined it would be my entire life. I had experienced real racism in the Midwest and yet, looking back, I had never really felt unwanted. At my first school, I felt unwanted. That entire first semester consisted of me battling my own insecurities and trying to accept that I would need to settle in life simply because I was not pretty, rich, skinny, or white. These were feelings I had never experienced in my sleepy hometown in Nebraska. Even when someone said something offensive to me I would hear my mother or father's voice in my head saying, "you are better than that. You are smarter." I believed it. When I left for college I was confident in myself. Most people would probably say I was arrogant, but I just knew my own self worth. During my first semester of college, that absolute knowledge I had of my own abilities began to slip.
Joining my sorority second semester helped, albeit briefly. Again, I experienced that hope and excitement, thinking that I would belong and that my "sisters" would be life long friends. I don't know why I became a person who was slow to make friends that semester....but I did. I have never been a shy, quiet person in my entire life, and yet when I was surrounded by people who were supposed to have my same interests, my sense of humor, I had absolutely nothing to say. Don't get me wrong, I will always be loyal to my initial pledge class, but that doesn't change the fact that I couldn't relate. I had never been much of a partier, I had only had one boyfriend, I came from a small town, (my grandparents live on a farm, for goodness sake). I was different in ways that had never occurred to me before I decided to go to school halfway across the country. There was more to my difference than being biracial- I was and still am a small town, Midwestern girl. This simple fact was becoming evident to me and so I decided I needed to change.
Over the summer I did a lot of work on myself. I bought new clothes and lost some weight. I started listening to new music and talking to different kinds of boys that I wouldn't usually consider my type. I came back for sophomore year with a newly created persona. I went by a nickname that had caught on in my sorority, something I never would have done at home, and hoped to fit in. At first it felt like I did. Unfortunately, it did not take me long to realize that I didn't.
I continued to try. It wasn't until second semester of sophomore year that I could feel myself being lost to the person I had created to fit in at school. I would look in the mirror and find it hard to recognize myself. I was not the girl that my parents had raised me to be. I lacked the confidence that I had just two years prior, when I was singing my heart out on stage in front of an entire crowd of people or cheering on the football field. I got really insecure about my weight and my appearance. I became really insecure about potential relationships and friendships with other people, in and out of my sorority. There were times that I would sit on the bathroom floor and cry because I had no idea who I was. My self-worth was diminishing and I knew it but I had no idea how I could possibly fix it. I couldn't imagine myself at that school for another two years so I considered transferring that semester. The list of schools I wanted to apply to was narrowed down to three- I looked over the applications, even started filling them out, and then I gave up. I figured I was just going through a rough patch and it would get better the next year. I was wrong.
I went home for the summer with a somewhat jaded perception on life. There was no reconciling my two personas, as hard I tried. I couldn't be my home-self at school and I couldn't be my school-self at home so life became very confusing. I was lucky enough to have someone at home over the summer help remind me of exactly who I was but at the time that wasn't enough to convince me to transfer. Looking back, I still have no idea why I needed more to convince me than what I already knew: I was not happy. I did not fit in. I felt as though my "friends" were merely people that tolerated me and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. When I was home I didn't face those same issues. I knew my friends all loved me and my family would always support me. There wasn't a support system like that for me at school and I absolutely dreaded returning.....but I was still hopeful.
Returning for junior year was hands down one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I was miserable. The only thing that kept me going in the first few weeks was the hope that things would change. "This is the year I'll finally fit," is what I kept telling myself. I wanted to be involved and hang out with people but it just...didn't happen. I was taking naps for hours everyday because I was so exhausted and unhappy. Once you get yourself into a hole like that- with your self-worth basically non existent, confidence at an all time low, and bordering an identity crisis- it is very difficult to climb out. When I knew I had hit rock bottom, I did the only thing I knew I COULD do. I called my mom.
I told her everything. I sat on the phone for an hour two, crying and telling her how miserable I was. She suggested two things to me: therapy and looking into transferring. I looked into transferring almost immediately but it took a second breakdown before I actually went to see a therapist. Both made me feel better. The decision to transfer was the easy part. However, getting to that decision was clearly really difficult for me. It took a crisis of identity and a complete plummet in my self confidence before I really went through with it. As soon as the decision was made, I felt like I finally had control of my life. I left behind more and more of the alternative personality I created for school and I slowly started feeling so much lighter. My confidence increased as final exams grew closer and I could look in the mirror and like what I saw. It even felt like people started warming up to me more once they realized I was leaving, which made my last few months tolerable. Transferring was still a little nerve-wracking though because I felt as though something must have been wrong with me in order for me to not fit in at my first school...how could I be sure I'd fit in at the second?
My first week here erased all my doubts. I made friends with the girls in my house almost immediately and affiliating with the chapter of my sorority here was effortless- I fit right in. I definitely took a hit economically with the transfer ( I did give up a lot of financial aid and grants/scholarships when I made the switch) but transferring was the smartest thing I have ever done for my emotional health. I don't have to be two different people anymore. I can just be Kayla, and I have never felt more relieved to just be that. I don't feel like an outsider, even identifying as biracial or a liberal in the stereotypically conservative Midwest. I feel free, which is something I don't think I ever felt at my first school. There isn't anything wrong with me and I will never have to settle for anything in my life in order to be happy. It took me two and a half years to realize that.
Transferring was overall the easiest and best decision I have made to date. I wish I had done it sooner, but I have no regrets over going to the first school. Would I be who I am without that experience? No, I don't think so. I learned a lot of valuable things about myself , including what it feels like to hit my lowest low and climb back up. I learned how to be independent, how to think for myself, and most importantly, how to deal with my emotions. When I was in high school I scoffed at the idea of ever coming back to the Midwest. Over the past two and half years I've come to realize that there is no such thing as an ideal environment for one person- sometimes you just fit where you fit. You can't choose where you belong, you just have to feel it out. I'm not an east coast or west coast person right now but who knows where I'll be in 10 years? All I know is at this moment I am where I belong- 90 minutes away from my dad, grandparents and friends from home, two hours away from my mom, and surrounded by new friends that I already know will always have my back because they've been behind me every step of this transfer (some even before I arrived). The transition has been so easy that most of the time it doesn't even feel like I attended school anywhere else. I'll never forget the two and a half years I spent out east because I did things that I would never change. I DID meet people that are dear to me and I WILL always remain loyal to the chapter in my sorority that initiated me. There are some great people at that school that I had to leave behind because I just didn't fit into the box that I feel like most people there fit into. I can't say I'd take it back but I can say I'm glad I was able to healthily move on.
To the friends I left behind I have to say thank you for enriching my life with memories that I won't ever forget and understanding that I had to leave for my own well being. <3 you always.
To the friends that I've made here, new and old, there is no telling where I would be without any of you! You have all made my life 1091230984837438249284 times better just by accepting KAYLA- the one and only.

It's super late so this post might not even make sense but I haven't posted since Friday so this was necessary. Thanks for reading!
Deuces,
Kayla

Some people watch netflix when they stay home sick. I start a blog...

Hello!

Welcome to my last minute, hodge-podge, super random blog! You might think I’m just your average sorority girl- focused on boys, makeup, formal functions, dieting, and (of course) my SISTERS but before you roll your eyes and leave my page, take a minute to hear me out.

Am I obsessed with beauty and health tips? Yes. Am I obsessed with my sorority sisters? Yes. Am I a super awkward mixed race girl just trying to stumble (literally) my way through life? Hell yes. There is more to my life, to any college-aged female’s life, than these things. The struggle we go through on a daily basis- no matter how minor- is real.  Starting this blog is about a lot more than makeup tips and stories about my hella awkward late night encounters,  it’s about growing up. It’s about love and loss. It’s about being different and mixed and fabulously awkward. Mostly, this blog is about shattering stereotypes. My life might not seem incredibly extraordinary, but it just might be relatable and I cannot wait to share my journey with all of you.

So…if you consider yourself a makeup lover, an awkward sorority girl, or even if you’re just trying to figure out your life and need the support of someone doing the same thing then I hope this is the place for you!

Buckle up y’all. This trip is gonna get real weird.

Deuces!

Kayla